"I am a Scientist."

I just stubbed my toe, went “Ow, ohh, ouh, ow, ouh.”  

My wife said, “That doesn’t make it any less painful.”

I said, “Actually it does.  It’s physics.”

My wife, who is not great at physics, said, “That’s my kind of physics.”

Here’s the actual formula. . .

Pain =  Stubbing minus Whining.

You might think my science is suspect, but at least my wife believes in my “scientific methodology.”  

In other things too; for example, she thinks I only buy bananas for experiments - to measure how long they will last before turning black and shriveling up.

But then, she tends to be generous in this regard.

Years ago she was riding in the back of a pickup, in the woods, when an acorn plunked her companion.  “That squirrel really knows physics!” she said.  “It had to aim that acorn taking into account the speed and direction of the car and the trajectory of the acorn to hit you perfectly on the head.”

Two Mysteries Solved!

These pictures solve two questions that puzzled zoo go-ers and statisticians for years.

1. Why don't zoos mow their grasses?
2. What happened to the missing demographics of Animal Crossing players:  42% kids; 56%
     adults at work; 0% adults not at work.  That's 2% missing.

Rhino in tall grass.

Rhino on short grass.

How to Make a Perpetual Motion Machine

People have been dreaming an inertia machine for quite some time, a machine that will go on forever with no outside energy input, Wow!

As a kid, I was easily impressed.   I loved watching the plastic drinking bird which moved on its own, bobbing up and down as if drinking from a glass of water.  (Click the sippy bird to watch his video.)

Last week I got the idea for a more sophisticated ANTI-perpetual motion machine.  It combines three interesting machines already out there.

1. A machine that makes breakfast cereal out of granola bars.

2.  A sushi conveyor belt.  (Found in Japan, you sit at the bar and wait for the sushi of your choice to come around.)

and 3. A machine that breaks granola bars into breakfast cereal, the PGS 300 by Alexanderwerk.

So, this is how to do it.  Pull out your plastic card and buy the three machines.  Hook them up them so they work together.

Then buy the raw material (The beauty of it is that it can EITHER be granola bars or granola cereal!)  Put the granola (bars) in the appropriate place on the tri-machine. 

Plug in machines and turn on switches. 

And, Wallah! Presto-Chango and Presto-Chango back again, you can watch night and day as your cereal turns into bars into cereal into bars into. . .

Now, Charlie, you ask, what about the cost?  Those machines can't be cheap, even with the improved Yen to Dollar exchange rate.

Don't worry.  The machines will pay for themselves.  You see, people claim you save money by making your own granola bars, and (yes, and) others claim you save money by making your own cereal.  Each time the circle of granola whirls around on the belt. your money piles up!

Now, I did promise you a perpetual motion machine.  But this machine is the opposite, it uses electric energy and produces nothing but what you started out with.  Hmmm?

Just run the machine in reverse!

The Real POPEYE the Sailor Man

Hey, Popeye doesn't actually have popped eyes.  He has dots for eyes.  Homer Simpson does however.

Now what would happen if Popeye had Homer's eyes?  It might be too late to warn you, but maybe you shouldn't look.

I don't think that's spinach, Popeye.

Short Japanese Guy Story

I read a true story today in a book about Japanese in Hawaii, Jon Ken Po.  

There was a Japanese man who wanted to join the police force but he was two inches too short.  He went and had his back and legs stretched out but it wasn't enough.  Then, the day before his interview, he had his wife hit him over the head repeatedly with a two by four to make welts so he would be tall enough.

I only hope there wasn't also an IQ test.

When I was a kid, I was extremely short also.  But these I didn't try.  What I did do, though, was tape my ears to the side of my head one night.  I thought they stuck out too far.  When I woke up in the morning, I was sad that nothing had changed.

How do you say "Sayonara" in Japanese?

Some curious Japanese gourmands desperately want to taste the Fugu fish liver to get the unique tingly sensation in their mouth.  I've heard a few try to taste a minute enough portion to taste but not die.  

Fugu provides one of the most potent potions nature has provided.  One estimate is that there averages 120 very painful fugu deaths each year in Japan. 

On closer shores, when we were kids, my cousin came up with the hair brained idea that poison ivy would be be harmless if you squeezed out the leaf juices really well.  She did and then rubbed it all over her body.  I don't know how she later managed to become a successful veterinarian.

The title of this entry is in honor of a student my wife's nicknamed Sushi, who asked her, "How do you say sushi in Japanese?"

(Oops! This is inspiring me.  I think I'll go into our kitchen now and pop a small Szechuan pepper into my mouth.  It's not really a pepper but about the size of a peppercorn and looks like a red, burst peppercorn.  It's related to the orange tree.  A minute after eating it, my mouth will have a spot where it actually buzzes/vibrates very tightly and quickly.  Nice, unique aroma/taste too.  Note, usually the Szechuan restaurants in America substitute other hot peppers in their cooking.)

Do Nocturnal Animals Have Trouble Getting Their "Teens" to Sleep in the Daytime?

Teenage fox up all day playing video games (above).  Same fox too tired to hunt chickens at night (below).

  riters Block

This morning as I read the paper and savored a dark coffee, 

that mischeveous elf, Vanya, snuck off with my letters Q and W

and hid them somewhere in his dusty, attic corner.

This is making for  uite a difficult day of  riting.

I think he plans on selling them to The Hermitage. 

Then I’`ll only be able visit them very occasionally.

How the Beatles Could Have Been Successful

I’m the fifth Beatle, or at least one of them.  The bloke who played the accordion and sang falsetto. They ditched me back in Liverpool. 

I’m made of different eyes and ears and feet and all, and then photoshopped, of course.  My name is Blingo.  

I think the real reason they ditched me is they didn't want a Ringo and a Blingo in one band.  I think they lost out on that dumb decision. 

They might have made it if they kept me!

So that's how Wilma was able to put up with Fred all these years!

You can click the picture to Enlarge.

...How Much Were You Asking?

       

This is from the home page of craigslist. You’ve probably seen it a  
thousand times.  But today I noticed something.

No matter how much we love our kids, sometimes we get fed up. Sometimes, really fed up.  Take a look at three down, on the right side.

Now, what doesn’t make sense at all - there’s no category for “husbands and wives.”  Hmmm?

But look again.  Check out nine down, on the left side.

by Charlie Helinski

Bannanappeal.blogspot.com

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